Jolly NOT SO MUCH
As he Waddled toward his final flight
Having placed the last toy
Under the last tree
In the last house for the night
He paused just a moment to adjust his massive girth.
A Bowl full of jelly was an understatement
At this point of Christmas night
His belly rolled around
Like one of those Ocean wave demonstrations from your local aquarium
We are talking tidal changes here folks
As he shifted from one foot to the other.
He paused……
One last glass of milk
One last cookie….
He knew he shouldn’t
But after all he didn’t want to disappoint
He leaned over toward the table.
In backyard water in the pool splashed out onto the deck
From the gravitational pull of his movements
He held the cookie in his red gloved hand
Slowly pulling it up to his flushed red face
He bite into it cautiously.
Ummmm Chocolate chip
The chocolate melted in his mouth
He savored it for a moment.
Sighed a sigh of utter enjoyment
Then he held the snowy white glass of milk up to face
Sliding the glass under his cookie crumb covered mustache.
Drinking it in one hearty gulp.
He pivoted around
A move that took all of his effort
And shambled over to the fireplace.
Leaning down to duck his rotund form under the mantle
His ginormous rear 4 times the size of the portal
His Jelly rolls swirling around where his belt should be.
By some kind of magic that only Santa possessed.
His shimmied into the fireplace like an octopus hiding under a rock
Up the chimney he went until about halfway up
He got stuck.
Shit out of luck.
With a twirl of his finger
A sprinkle of Santa dust
He tried with all his might
But the fit was still too tight.
With stubby arms he reached for the pocket
Of his Santa Claus coat
For his ECD
Elf Communication Device
But all he could find was a note
From Mrs. Claus saying “don’t overdo it tonight”
An hour later
Still stuck in place
With body contorted in unbelievable ways
His foot was somehow jammed up in his throat
As he continued trying to twist himself out of this ashy coffin
Then up above him
A face appeared with glowing red nose
Then several more Reindeer faces
Which ones god only knows
Then the faces disappeared
And he thought he heard laughter.
Dasher and Dancer
Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid
And definitely Donner and Blitzen
“Help me you stupid reindeer”
Santa yelled.
His cries for help were quickly returned
By being struck on the head with a rope filled with jingle bells
They pulled and they pulled with all of their might
But Santa’s fat ass was stuck in way too tight.
For over an hour they pulled and they pulled
Until the early morning bell tolled
Beneath him he could hear the beginnings
Of holiday cheer as the fire below was lite
The excited voices of children he could hear.
The children below quickly heard something else
As the fire started to cause Santa to yelp.
He pants were on fire as he inched his way up
The elves had arrived to bring Santa Help
30 Elves and 9 Reindeer
Were finally enough to pull Santa clear
But to his embarrassment when he made it outside
100 Paparazzi were waiting to catch him by surprise
SANTA TOO FAT?
The headlines read
As he sat recovering from the burns
That made his ass red.
In the North Pole Hospital Bed.
“Overdid it again”
Mrs Santa Claus said
“A complete embarssment”
“But at least your not dead”
An elf doctor arrived to check up on him
Diagnosis: No more Treats
And your need to hit the gym
“But they expect a Fat and Jolly Santa”
He pleaded to the doc.
“SANTA MORBIDLY OBESSE”
The doctor held up the paper
The National Enquirer said
“Santa you need to change”
The Elf doctor said.
Any more Cookies and Milk binging
And you will clearly be dead.
It’s time for a diet
Try some low fat treats instead
So Fat and Jolly no more
As he nibbled from a bowl full grapes
While visions of cheesecake danced in his head
No more Christmas pies and baked goods, and candies
Rice Cakes and Soy he said.
He went on Reality TV
The biggest loser Celebrity edition
And although he didn’t win
They whipped his fat ass into condition.
So when next you see him on Christmas Eve
A Fittier, Slimmer
Skinny Santa from your chimney will leave
BAC 12/21/2009
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